How my weight ruined my date

The date:

"We matched on OKC and hit it off instantly. I loved everything about him 😍; his ambition, his love for travel, how cute and kind-hearted he was. We were on a date in a matter of days, meeting up for a casual slice of Pizza in the cool end of Shoreditch. We settled on a long outdoor bench, feeling so cool and hipster.

Unfortunately for me two things happened simultaneously that caused me to have one of the most embarrassing moments of my life:

1) My crush had stood up to fidget with his bag.

2) A couple on the other end of the bench immediately decided to stand up and leave.

Now I'm sat at the far right end of the bench, so let's apply some physics here. 🤔

I dramatically lose my balance as the left end of the bench shoots up into the air, and I completely lose balance, flailing my arms in the air trying to right my balance before going arse-over-tits onto the floor. You could hear the circus music and drum jingle in the background, seriously.

OH

MY

GOD

WHY

😱

Needless to say I awkwardly laughed it off and carried on with my evening jazz hands-ing and low-key hoping that the ground would swallow me up.

Fortunately, it seemed like the moment had been forgotten and the remainder of the date was still pretty good! I went home feeling elated and knew I'd just met a real potential, or dare I say it, maybe even the one.

To my horror, after this point my crush had almost completely stopped talking to me. He soon after told me that we he thought I was lovely but that it wouldn't work out. 😿"

What I thought this meant:

1) That this moment had caused me to blow my chances with this guy.

2) Me being a fat f*** had caused this to happen and I was just doomed to always be someone to be embarrassed by/laughed at.

REFRAME:

Nothing of the sort!

Let's deal with the first one. Something to understand is that the right guy will never 'get away'. You guys just weren't as compatible as you thought you were, or, he could have actually settled with you and spent the whole time pining for someone who called to his soul more, probably ending in him leaving you anyway, after which time you may have dated for months and grown very attached causing unnecessary heartache. In some minutely rare situations the timing just wasn't right (but don't get caught in this one, this is an exception not a rule - if you don't get this reference read or watch 'He's just not that into you').

SUMMARY:

My point is, sometimes we can get super attached early on and put all our hopes on one guy. This comes from a place of 'Oh my god this guy is great and I need to make this work or this might be my only chance at love', when in reality there are always plenty of great guys out there to meet with, have cool experiences and learn from. I'm not a dating or love coach but my advice is this: Go into dating with an attitude of fun, curiosity and positivity and don't be ashamed to be yourself - the right guy will love the real you. Stay open-minded and instead think about how many real potentials there are out there for you.

The next big one - first of all, I was insane to make the connection that my weight had anything to do with the bench situation. A doormouse could have been sitting there and the same thing would have happened (well perhaps not a doormouse, but you get the idea). We tend to build false stories in our head based off insecurities. I was so insecure about my weight that I was always looking for the ways that it was causing me embarrassment and shame, instead of lovingly accepting that I am a human with human struggles (as many people do), and that there are plenty of great guys out there who honestly don't care, and if anything, just celebrate my curves (these are the guys you want to date, and they do exist).

The thing that was interesting was that when I dug deep, I know exactly where this story of shame around my weight came from. I was around 8 years old and being a typical kid climbing all over a wooden bench in the garden. My foot went straight through one of the rotten beams, and I was horrendously scolded by my uncle for breaking it.



My uncle told me this hapenned because I was fat. The comment was unfair, cutting and really not valid. However, it planted a seed in my head that my weight is something to be ashamed of and scolded.

SUMMARY 2:
Give yourself a break about your insecurities, everybody has quirks about them. These will only feel like a source of embarrassment for you if you keep telling yourself that they are and put all your energy into that. Almost everybody has at least one insecurity about their appearance, whether that be they feel too fat, too thin (it can go both ways), they don't like their hair, their voice, their nose, their complexion, or for God's sake, their skin tone... the list goes on. The right guy will LOVE you just as you are when you OWN it. Save your energy for these guys, and love and accept all of your quirks through the eyes of a person who truly and unconditionally loves you.

Do you have such a story from your past running the narrative of your present? Or any life-changing moments with dating? Send them in to rq@reframemydate.com (more points for the particularly funny ones).

With love,

The Reframe Queen x